Thursday, August 5, 2010

How To: Get Out of a Malfunctioning Elevator

Step 1:  If the managers of the building send you an email warning you not to use the elevator because its malfunctioning, DON'T USE IT.

Step 2:  If you're feeling especially lazy one day a couple weeks later, by all means, take the elevator.  At your own risk, of course.

Step 3:  If you've used the elevator once, and it seems to be working fine, use it regularly thereafter.

Step 4:  If one day, you decide to use the elevator, but the door doesn't open the first time you summon it, take the stairs.

Step 5:  If you're feeling especially lazy, push the button again and again until the door opens, and then TAKE THE STAIRS.

Step 6:  If you don't take the stairs, by all means, get in the clearly malfunctioning elevator and push the button for floor 3 (which is actually 4 in the US, their counting is a little different than ours).

Step 7:  If, when you get to the third (actually fourth) floor, and the elevator has clearly stopped, but the door doesn't open, take a split second to panic.  After all, you're stuck in a malfunctioning elevator.

Step 8:  After panicking for a moment, remember the email the building managers sent you awhile ago and try their recommended methods for getting out.  Begin by pushing the button for floor three again and again.  Also, push the "door open" button several times.  Then, push the buttons for all the floors, hoping it will go to one of them and open up for you.  Have a mild panic attack again when none of the buttons for the other floors light up, and begin to think that you're going to be in here a while.  Keep pushing buttons, until either something happens or you get so desperate you begin to think of pushing the alarm button and flipping the yellow and red switches, or screaming and banging on the elevator door.  You never know, someone might be on the other side with a crow bar.

Step 9:  When the elevator starts moving again, take a breath.  You're moving now!

Step 10:  When the elevator stops at the ground floor and the doors open up, walk quickly out and away from the elevator.  As you take the stairs, remind yourself that it was probably only about 15 seconds you were actually stuck, and be thankful you didn't panic enough to make a complete fool of yourself before getting out of the malfunctioning elevator.

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